Saturday, June 6, 2009

On the Etiquette of Fuck Buddies: Part 1: What is a Fuck Buddy?

By the way if the term “fuck buddy” offends you at all, please know that it doesn't have to be that term. Just replace it mentally with a non-offensive term of your choice, such as "friends with benefits" or "voracious cuddler of the evening"

The finding and maintaining of a “fuck buddy” is a matter infused with paradox. The very nature of the relationship makes it difficult to decide exactly what they are. Does the inclusion of the term “buddy” in its official title mean that they are friends? Or does the term “fuck” make them beings of a purely sexual nature?

The truth of the matter is, in absolute terms, they are neither. They are in most cases, something else altogether. The usage of word “buddy”, is a misleading one, especially since in the selection of a “fuck buddy”, one should be quite sure to pick an individual whose friendship is not valuable, as the friendship is liable to be lost at the termination of the intimacy. Also the term “fuck” is misleading as this portrays the “fuck buddy” as being replaceable, or emotionally distant.

This brings us to the question, “What are they?”

They are temporary lovers, beings that we choose to grace with periods of intimacy. Ultimately, the fuck buddy is there to comfort us, pleasure us, and provide us with a feeling of ephemeral intimacy.

All wordiness, and loftiness aside, before I go into more detail on the whos/whats and hows of a fuck buddy, we must deal with the essential question of “What IS a fuck buddy?”. The fact is that they’re not one night stands and they’re not significant others. They’re not people with whom we have “potential” for a relationship. Though there are cases (quite a few actually), where a fuck buddy turned into an actual boyfriend or girlfriend, those are special cases, and not the norm. And most certainly, that is not (and more importantly, should not) be the goal when one enters a “fuck buddy-ship” with someone.

We’ve talked about all the things that fuck buddies aren’t – but that brings us no closer to the question of what they are. They’re people with whom we have sex with, and with whom we have no romantic entanglements with. However, during the time we are with them, they provide us with a feeling of intimacy, good conversation and hopefully, nothing short of excellent sex.
The fact of the matter is, a fuck buddy should make you feel happy, special, sexy and sexual, if only for a little while. A fuck buddy should ideally, boost your self esteem and comfort you if you’re in need of comfort. You should be able to manage short bursts of amusing conversation, and ultimately, this should be a mutually beneficial, symbiotic relationship.

After they leave, the room may feel empty for a while, or if you are the one leaving, you might feel a twinge of loneliness, but ultimately, that twinge should be fleeting and life returns to normal. Ultimately, fuck buddies are not only providers of “no strings sex” but “no strings intimacy”.

What does this “no strings” term mean? They are not required to call you – nor should you feel required to call them. If it seems appropriate, a short e-mail, text or other short message showing your enthusiasm or gratitude is more than allowable, but fuck buddies are not significant others, nor should they be replacements for real love. They are not required to be monogamous, they do not need to be attentive, and they do not need to follow the same rules as a date or lover. They are there to provide fun, and comfort for a time, then they leave. Note that this does not excuse them from politeness and etiquette as to be discussed later.

By its very nature, a fuck buddy relationship is not very long lived. At its best, a fuck buddy relationship will last a few weeks, or a few months before disintegrating. This is generally for the best, as human beings are social creatures at heart, and are wont to get emotionally attached to their fuck buddy. Now, while there is nothing in of itself bad in this, it must be made clear that once there is emotional involvement of either party, it is no longer a fuck buddy relationship. The growth of actual attachment on either party will require an honest discussion.

So this brings us to the conclusion that fuck buddy relationship, is ultimately a a mutually beneficial relationship for people who are seeking sex and intimacy for short periods of time to dilute their loneliness or just to have fun. This relationship is not purely sex, and it’s not purely friendship. It’s something in between. And for you to enter a relationship of this sort... you'll need to be able to accept that completely.

Next Entry (6.13.09) Why Enter Into A Fuck-Buddy-ship? The Pros and Cons

2 comments:

  1. These relationships can be so much fun when the partner/s involved are sans drama (as much as people can be, at least). Though I think whether or not a friend can be a friend/fuck buddy depends heavily on the above. Some people can go flouncing about in bed with someone they're close to and not tweak on it. But yeah, I agree most people can't. They got the "Sex denotes some amount of ownership" thing into their heads, silly ducks.

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  2. This post is really lucrative for every information seeker and person who is willing to put their efforts for better updates .I think whether or not a friend can be a friend(fuck buddy) depends heavily on the above.
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