On the Etiquette of Fuck Buddies: Part 2: On Reasons to keep (or not keep) a Fuck Buddy

Now that the definition of the title of Fuck Buddy has been established, it may be a matter of curiosity to some people as to why one might want to keep and maintain one. Despite the sheer physical delights promised by a fuck buddy, for those seeking a meaningful emotional connection, the main question might be “Why bother?”

This is a perfectly reasonable question as both ends of the spectrums of sexual partners might be preferable over the ambiguity of a fuck buddy.

For those seeking pure casual sex, it would certainly be in many cases, easier and less of a hassle to seek the one night stand, and for those seeking an emotional connection, a sub-par boyfriend would certainly offer more emotional connection and comfort than the cuddliest of fuck buddies.

But in reality, those seeking real connections are not those who get fuck buddies. I must be absolutely clear in this: A fuck buddy must always be between two people seeking fun, no-strings sex with intimacy. In the search for a fuck buddy, you seek out fun AND intimacy. Whoever you find and select must be someone who is equally emotionally detached to sex, and attached to the idea of maintaining said relationship. The point of a fuck buddy is to have a relationship between two peers of the sexual realm.

But of course, this only explains who should seek it, not why one would seek it. There are a myriad of reasons for seeking a fuck buddy relationship and though the reasons may differ for both parties, as long as the reasons are enumerated before the start of the relationship, it should not be a problem. A few reasons are as follows: many seek it as a form of therapy after the termination of a more meaningful relationship, to alleviate the loneliness of a “sexual dry spell”, to fulfill a desire for sexual intimacy that comes with more meaning than anonymous sex partners (but are unwilling or unable to enter a full relationship), and those simply seeking to feel “special”.

The use of a fuck buddy to help recover from a more permanent relationship is a very common one, and surprisingly is common for both genders. From anecdotal evidence (which is to say, no evidence at all) and common sense, it should be evident that fuck buddies may be of some use. It provides a person with the ability to “rebound” without hurting someone else’s emotions which is an altogether positive thing.

The use of a fuck buddy to end a “sexual dry spell” is a good one, (arguably a very good one), but it must be added that a fuck buddy by its very nature is comes with more strings than pure sex. Now, many may wonder, “but what if I don’t want intimacy and just want to have sex with one person over and over again, because at least this way I know I’m safe from STDs (and other very viable reasons)?” For those of you in this category, I wish you luck. I wish you the best of luck and should you be able to maintain a sex only relationship with someone with absolutely no intimacy, I commend and envy you. It just happens though that sex often comes with the release of oxytocin from the posterior pituitary (whether you want it to be released or not), and having sex with the same person multiple times leads often to emotional attachment and intimacy (the control of which is what this essay is about). In which case, anyone entering a fuck buddy relationship to end a sexual dry spell should be aware of the etiquette and the (few) responsibilities involved in said relationship before starting.

There are also many people who seek sex but frown on the thought (or fear for the safety) of a one night stand. In this case, a fuck buddy is a great choice! Since a fuck buddy is often chosen from a group of acquaintances or distant friends, they have already been “vetted”, and you need not worry for safety. Also, since these are also friends, this comes with more intimacy than simply a one night stand (though the lack of intimacy is to many the most delicious part of a one night stand), which may make the sex more palatable for some.

This brings us to a fourth often cited reason: intimacy. The ideal fuck buddy as I’ve often stated, does not offer only sex. They also offer the seldom “date” – a walk through the park, a shared meal, a dance at a party, a willing ear, a shoulder to cry on, a cuddle post coitis… They must live up to the title of “buddy” and are often willing to offer these things in exchange for (very good) sex. This part of the relationship is as essential as the sex. However, I must insist that for those seeking pure intimacy, a fuck buddy relationship is not for you. For these people, a fuck buddy relationship will become constrained and difficult, and will inevitably fail.

We come to the final reason I shall cite (as there are countless that I haven’t mentioned), the abstract concept of special. This is a personal theory I have (I call it the “special” paradigm) though I will go into it in more detail in a future essay, it will put it succinctly right now. The joy of sex and the joy of dating - one can even say the joy of love - for many men and women is the desire to feel “special”. When someone pays particular attention to you, or smiles and flirts with you in a beguiling manner, or when someone selects just the right piece of lingerie to wear for you… you feel special. In a fuck buddy relationship, not only do you get sex, or transient intimacy, the ideal should be that the person for that short period of time is able to make you feel special.

Now, I bring up the word “ideal” constantly. This is not incidental as I understand that this sort of equality in sexual need, desire for intimacy and attraction is very difficult to find in actual life. In truth, the fuck buddy relationship almost always starts on unequal ground and it is an oft cited reason for its catastrophic failure and subsequent awkwardness. However, what this essay describes is the ideal relationship of the sort, just as many novels and self-help books describe the ideal love. And what this essay hopes to do is diminish the catastrophic part of the failure for when it does occur.

“Let’s see where this goes”

This brings us to the last point I would like to make: Why NOT to enter a fuck buddy relationship.

This is an incredibly important point: You must not enter a fuck buddy relationship with someone you want to date. Never. Ever. This requires a breach of honesty, and as trust comes hand in hand with honesty, a breach of trust. In such cases where a man or woman enters a fuck buddy relationship seeking more than just sex, the truth inevitably does come out, and that leads to a strain in the relationship (to the point that the relationship tumbles to an awkward, unfriendly ending). But should the “plot” succeed, and the relationship blossom, the relationship will have a foundation of lies and as so, the relationship will be more liable to crumble (or the first few months may be strained).

In such cases – I must insist – that there is a much better option. Instead of saying “Let’s be fuck buddies”, please say this instead: “Let’s see where it goes”. Bam! There! A fuck buddy relationship starts out with the door to love firmly closed; here in the “casual sex friends with possibilities” category, you’ve left the very same door ajar. And that foot in the door, is a lovely thing. Ladies and gentlemen (and I say this in no particular order because contrary to stereotype, I have found men to be just as susceptible to this lie as ladies, if not more so), I want to usher in the new era: where we can say “Let’s see where it goes”, in place of the fuck buddy relationship where we need it and when we want it.

This phrase (of course) only pertains to those seeking more or who wish for the possibility of more. For those seeking a fuck buddy relationship, please return next week when I shall discuss the selection of a fuck buddy, and how to ask them to be said fuck buddy.

On the Etiquette of Fuck Buddies: Part 1: What is a Fuck Buddy?

By the way if the term “fuck buddy” offends you at all, please know that it doesn't have to be that term. Just replace it mentally with a non-offensive term of your choice, such as "friends with benefits" or "voracious cuddler of the evening"

The finding and maintaining of a “fuck buddy” is a matter infused with paradox. The very nature of the relationship makes it difficult to decide exactly what they are. Does the inclusion of the term “buddy” in its official title mean that they are friends? Or does the term “fuck” make them beings of a purely sexual nature?

The truth of the matter is, in absolute terms, they are neither. They are in most cases, something else altogether. The usage of word “buddy”, is a misleading one, especially since in the selection of a “fuck buddy”, one should be quite sure to pick an individual whose friendship is not valuable, as the friendship is liable to be lost at the termination of the intimacy. Also the term “fuck” is misleading as this portrays the “fuck buddy” as being replaceable, or emotionally distant.

This brings us to the question, “What are they?”

They are temporary lovers, beings that we choose to grace with periods of intimacy. Ultimately, the fuck buddy is there to comfort us, pleasure us, and provide us with a feeling of ephemeral intimacy.

All wordiness, and loftiness aside, before I go into more detail on the whos/whats and hows of a fuck buddy, we must deal with the essential question of “What IS a fuck buddy?”. The fact is that they’re not one night stands and they’re not significant others. They’re not people with whom we have “potential” for a relationship. Though there are cases (quite a few actually), where a fuck buddy turned into an actual boyfriend or girlfriend, those are special cases, and not the norm. And most certainly, that is not (and more importantly, should not) be the goal when one enters a “fuck buddy-ship” with someone.

We’ve talked about all the things that fuck buddies aren’t – but that brings us no closer to the question of what they are. They’re people with whom we have sex with, and with whom we have no romantic entanglements with. However, during the time we are with them, they provide us with a feeling of intimacy, good conversation and hopefully, nothing short of excellent sex.
The fact of the matter is, a fuck buddy should make you feel happy, special, sexy and sexual, if only for a little while. A fuck buddy should ideally, boost your self esteem and comfort you if you’re in need of comfort. You should be able to manage short bursts of amusing conversation, and ultimately, this should be a mutually beneficial, symbiotic relationship.

After they leave, the room may feel empty for a while, or if you are the one leaving, you might feel a twinge of loneliness, but ultimately, that twinge should be fleeting and life returns to normal. Ultimately, fuck buddies are not only providers of “no strings sex” but “no strings intimacy”.

What does this “no strings” term mean? They are not required to call you – nor should you feel required to call them. If it seems appropriate, a short e-mail, text or other short message showing your enthusiasm or gratitude is more than allowable, but fuck buddies are not significant others, nor should they be replacements for real love. They are not required to be monogamous, they do not need to be attentive, and they do not need to follow the same rules as a date or lover. They are there to provide fun, and comfort for a time, then they leave. Note that this does not excuse them from politeness and etiquette as to be discussed later.

By its very nature, a fuck buddy relationship is not very long lived. At its best, a fuck buddy relationship will last a few weeks, or a few months before disintegrating. This is generally for the best, as human beings are social creatures at heart, and are wont to get emotionally attached to their fuck buddy. Now, while there is nothing in of itself bad in this, it must be made clear that once there is emotional involvement of either party, it is no longer a fuck buddy relationship. The growth of actual attachment on either party will require an honest discussion.

So this brings us to the conclusion that fuck buddy relationship, is ultimately a a mutually beneficial relationship for people who are seeking sex and intimacy for short periods of time to dilute their loneliness or just to have fun. This relationship is not purely sex, and it’s not purely friendship. It’s something in between. And for you to enter a relationship of this sort... you'll need to be able to accept that completely.

Next Entry (6.13.09) Why Enter Into A Fuck-Buddy-ship? The Pros and Cons

On Emma

I am not Jane Austen's Emma. Nor do I pretend to be Jane Austen's Emma. I do however, admire the character of Emma Woodhouse quite a bit, and I think if there ever was a Jane Austen character to have a blog dispensing un-asked-for advice on sex, it would be her.

I'm just a girl in her early to mid twenties. I am (by most accounts) attractive, well educated, fiscally secure (though by no means wealthy), single, living in New York City, and filled to the brim with opinions.

I'm afraid that's all you need to know about me. =)